I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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