I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
there's paper in my vomit.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
only if we run a train.
done.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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