as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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