My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
