Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
