why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
