someone get that fucking seahorse.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
