I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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