Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
