I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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