Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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