I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
