the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
