He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
