I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
