dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
