if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
