I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
