why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
