Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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