got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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