why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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