I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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