and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
