She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
