do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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