On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you had me at cake vodka
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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