May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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