Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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