he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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