then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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