i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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