My liver just broke up with me...
I puked a lego.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
