just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize