how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Let's paint friendship bongs
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Randomize