Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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