i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
