hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
