Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
