She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
being pregnant is like rehab
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize