fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
