i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
