I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just high enough for therapy.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Drunk is not a location!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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