8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i think my cat just said my name.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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