1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
