my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
