Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize