Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
This is classic penis vs brain.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
