is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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