i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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