Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
