Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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