she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
