dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
