I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
