Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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