i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
