my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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