Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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