woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize