You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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