I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
