i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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