Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
