Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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