there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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